Hundred Lifenomy Nuggets
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Please do not buy this book, if you are looking for a run of the mill self-help book. There are too many of them out there.
This is no book of advice! Who am I to advice you? It is just a collection of a hundred small stories that will help you to negotiate the tortuous path of life a little more easily. If one or two strike a chord in you, then my purpose of writing this book is served.
Before you waste your hard-earned money on this book, flip it at random, choose any nugget, and read it. If it is your type of reading, then welcome abroad. If not; good bye.
By the way, looking through the index alone will give you absolutely no idea about its contents. Ha! Ha!
- A blob of port wine
- One mans shampoo is another’s hand-wash
- How to make it last for an hour?
- Before you accuse someone!
- I was a hungry statue
- The theory of Morphic resonance
- The frog in the pot
- The suitable boy
- A fair handicap
- Crunchy pies – bread spread
- Where did the ship disappear?
- The problem may be closer home
- Let me look under the sheets
- Take it easy on the back swing
- Surprisingly surprising surprises
- Choose your life-mate carefully
- Don’t leave it till it is too late
- Why am I so happy today
- Lamp posts, eagles and lions
- Our grasshoppers jump a lot higher
- Hey! Someone stole my idea
- How far will the elastic stretch?
- Who are the starving children anyway?
- A dancing snake swallowing its tail
- Getting out of the sack caused problems
- Thorny seeds, failed zippers and hip joints
- The friend who is no longer there
- The man with four and a half fingers
- Do you have a headache honey?
- How to fit sugar cubes in a narrow mouthed bottle?
- What sins have I committed?
- The snail and the jelly fish
- Plundering villages and raping woman
- How smelly is your fart?
- The falling party gown and popping boobs
- Just give me a mild heart attack
- If only that bastard had said sorry
- But how could it have been a no ball?
- Care to sniff my rear-side buddy?
- Figure it out for yourself
- On top of a bus in a blizzard with a one legged dwarf
- Some people have all the luck. Others survive
- What was that again?
- The call center boy from Bangalore
- I am Wickedo, the devils lieutenant
- Why didn’t you tell me that you had a prescription?
- The hare and tortoise have stopped racing each other
- All for a jar of honey
- Rubber boots and Mackintosh raincoats
- While you are at it, buy a fur coat too
- Sad man, sane man, ecstatic chap, dammed fool
- Don’t go global by overlooking local issues
- No time like now
- Simplest solutions are most effective
- The dog died two weeks too late
- Doctor Doctor tell me….
- When you are philosophical, I will be material
- Being wealthy and rich don’t mean the same
- Chunni Lal’s last night
- Doctor circuit teaches Doctor short circuit
- Let people know that it is I who is the worlds handsomest man!
- Sorry doc, haven’t met my wife yet
- My grandson simply loves your squeaky voice
- Do you want to go to sleep or what?
- I had biscuits and drinks with God today!
- Coke vending machines, perfect woman and Santa Claus
- Why should I swim back all the way?
- Happy suits stitched in eight hours
- Electric bulbs and eight cylinder engines
- The speeding car and the strip club
- The wife who knew everything
- I am slogging in hot sun to make ends meet
- Delicious frog leg kebabs, mildly peppered
- The chap who was neither a vegetable seller nor sold spinach
- It is too dark inside a dogs belly
- Use bus number nine but get down at the post office
- Airsick penguin, freezing Kangaroo and Swiss Army Knife
- Rogue elephant, water hole and sugarcane field
- A ten liter jar of salad dressing
- The magic kettle, old ladle, and secret formula
- The weeping woman at the bus station
- Why do geese fly in a ‘V’ formation
- How long can I stand upside down
- Punch cards, tabulation machines and band aids
- Bags, boxes and basket full of sorrows
- A new ingredient to your cake
- Pastor from London and cabbie from New York
- Dosa, Coffee and Sidenafil Citrate
- Gold coin in the pile of dog shit
- Scrambled eggs and driving lessons
- The simplest way to cross a river
- Polish immigrant applying for a driving license
- If the flight is delayed, kick the monitor
- Curiosity, imagination and flying balloons
- Herons head in a lions jaw
- The asses bray while the horses kick
- If you believe, you can even cheat death
- A spoon, cup, or bucket: what’s your pleasure?
- Los Angles to Seattle via Memphis Tennessee
- I stopped digging just three feet before
- Conclusion – The last word.
A nugget, as a dictionary will tell you, is a small irregular piece of gold found in mines. It may be small, but is valuable indeed. Lifonomy is not a word you would find in the dictionary. It is nothing but the science of lifemanship or the art of living!
In the following pages, you would find a hundred small anecdotes, stories, jokes and events, each of which tells an invaluable secret in life. These little tales have been collected from diverse sources over the years. Sufi philosophy, Zen Buddhism, the Vedas, Playboy jokes, Biblical stories, Mahabharata, Punch cartoons, and of course the internet have provided these nuggets.
I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I did, collecting and arranging them.
1. A blob of port wine
The economist walked to the edge of the park and sat down on a bench. He looked at the old man beside him and was startled. He saw the horns. The sharp canines. He peeked in the back and even saw the pointed tail. The old man with a thousand wrinkles was sipping from a bottle.
“You are the devil aren’t you?” asked the economist. The old man nodded, took a deep sip of his bittersweet port and nodded. “Yes! I am!”
“So you are responsible for all the troubles in the world aren’t you?”
“No, I am not! Things just happen, and they blame me for everything! Just look at this!”
The old man, pointed his lips to the other side and spat out a blob of wine. In moments, flies started buzzing around it. The economist watched in fascination as things happened rather quickly after that. A lizard came out for the flies. A bandicoot followed the lizard and in moments, a snake appeared. A young boy, who was passing by that side, aimed a stone at the snake. The stone bounced a rock, missed the snake, and hit another boy who was at a little distance. That boy’s father abused the stone thrower and a fracas erupted. The two boys belonged to different religious communities and a knife made its appearance. The episode ended with the police firing on an irate mob. The toll was thirteen dead.
“After all I just spat a blob of wine, and people blame me for everything!” said the Devil, to the bewildered economist!
The other incident is from real life. This too concerns an economist. A chap named Stephen D. Lewitt who has written a wonderful book “Freakonomics” This concerns crime rate in America! It is indeed a little intriguing; what would an economist have to do with crime rates in USA? Here is his study.
In the early nineties, crime in America was at unprecedented levels. You could be knifed for the five dollars in your pocket. You could be killed for the leather jacket you wore. Of course you would be shot after you took out your jacket. No one wanted bloodstains on a lovely leather jacket.
Crack cocaine had made its appearance. Psychotropic drug usage was rampart. Crime rate was rising at an appalling fifteen to twenty percent per annum. Criminologists made predictions, which were indeed gloomy. They painted a grim future for late nineties and early two thousands.
However, what happened in real life was different. By mid nineties, the crime rates stabilized and then instead of going up, actually came down. Early two thousands had probably the lowest incidence of murders per million population, in the last fifty years. The criminologists judiciary and law enforcement were really shocked and a wide range of reasons were offered. Better policing, more efficient judiciary, deterrent punishments, drug control, gun control, and economic boom were, sited as various causes.
But economist Stephen J. Lewitt looked from a different perspective and traced the fall of crime rate to an event that happened in 1973. The US supreme court legalized abortion in that year. He conclusively showed that the decline in crime rates were a direct consequence to the criminals not being born. Most criminals were unwanted children from broken home, with an alcoholic or a drug addict for mother. After legalization of abortion, only about sixty percent of pregnancies proceeded to full term, and Lewitt conclusively proved that the crime rate died with the other forty percent.
It is thus important to remember that most happenings have an apparent cause, which is usually incorrect. The true cause may be a distant stimulus like a blob of port wine or an abortion law!
2. One mans shampoo is another’s hand wash
“Surf Excel keeps my hands soft, smooth and delicate” The pretty actor extolled. Her little daughter looked up curiously and asked,
“Mama! Does Surf Excel have special chemicals to soften your hands? Does it have a unique formula to be soft on your skin, while it is rough on clothes?”
“No beta! Acting in this Surf Excel commercial gives me enough money to afford a washing machine. I don’t have to dirty my hands washing clothes at all”
Here is another one, more or less in a similar vein.
A man went to a reputed men’s barbershop. He took his seat, and looked at himself in the mirror. When the barber came close, he saw that his hands were rather dirty. The customer was a fussy man and spoke in an irritated voice, “Aren’t your hands grubby and soiled?”
Without batting an eyelid the barber said “Since morning I have had six haircuts, and two dye jobs. No one has asked for a shampoo as yet!”
Both the above stories convey a similar message. People out there are more concerned about themselves than you! The cricketer who extols the virtue of a hundred cc bike probably drives nothing but his Mercedes. The actor who endorses a chocolate is probably diabetic and cannot eat one. The actress who is praising a dry weave extra protection sanitary napkin is well past her menopause and the star Khan who claims that he cannot live without the favorite brand of his cola, probably forbids his children from drinking the same because it is too high in pesticides!
Just because a celebrity uses or pretends to use a product, by what rationale does it become attractive to us! One man’s shampoo is another’s hand wash.
3. How to make it last for an hour
During one of the really cold winters in Canada, a primary school teacher was teaching the kindergarten
“Children! It is essential to protect ourselves from the cold. We must always wear our thermal underwear. We must never forget our anoraks and overcoats. I had a little brother who went out in the snow pushing a sled. In his hurry, he had forgotten his anorak. When he returned home, he had a runny nose. He caught a bad cold, which unfortunately led to pneumonia. My poor brother died. So children, we must all remember, never leave home unless you are well protected”
Five year old Billy from the rear raised a hesitant hand, “Miss! What happened to the sled?”
Now try to fine the common theme with his one
A Pastor was talking about the sins of adultery. The dangers of casual sex. The perils of an affair. The risks of visiting a prostitute.
“One hour!” He thundered.
“Just one hour of pleasure! That all you get! And see what you could loose……”
He continued on an on; finally reaching AIDS and death.
“You could even die! And for what? FOR WHAT I ASK! Just one hour of pleasure……”
After forty-five more exciting minutes of the sermon, a hesitant hand rose in the rear.
“Well Pastor! How to make it last for an hour?”
I hope you have got it now! Yes! The one common thing between the schoolboy in the first story and the churchgoer in the second. They both knew exactly what they wanted.
In real life too, it pays to remain focused on your goals!
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